


reminders of my failures everywhere that i will be

by Masterofkarate



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Alcohol, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, M/M, soft and sad charden, takes place sometime early s-13 after dennis comes back
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-07
Updated: 2018-12-07
Packaged: 2019-09-13 09:12:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,563
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16889730
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Masterofkarate/pseuds/Masterofkarate
Summary: Dennis texts charlie a series of emojis late at night & charlie knows he'll be going over dennis' house to comfort him in a way that he's secretly been doing since high school.title comes from Self Esteem by AJJ





	reminders of my failures everywhere that i will be

Charlie got an emoji of a house and two beer glass clinking and a cigarette from Dennis at three thirty in the morning on a Sunday night (technically Monday morning). Charlie knew exactly what this text message meant. He responded with a thumbs up.

He crawled out of bed, quiet and slow as to not wake the waitress. He remembered the first time Dennis reached out to him late at night. They were in high school, close to graduating, and Dennis threw rocks at Charlie’s window, just like in a movie. Charlie was very confused, because they sort of hated each other back then, competing over Mac’s friendship and trying to make the other the target of the cruelty of popular kids. Charlie lost more often than not on both fronts.

When Charlie climbed down from the fire escape, Dennis said he wanted to get high. Dennis was already drunk, but when you’re kids, you don’t know that going over your acquaintance’s house while drunk just to get high is a sign of bad mental health. You think it’s a sign of wanting to have fun.

They both climbed back up to Charlie’s room and huffed some glue and smoked some pot and talked real quiet. In whispers, Dennis told Charlie about fears that Charlie didn’t think Dennis could have. Dennis didn’t think he was good enough for UPenn. He was afraid of leaving his friends behind. He even cried. It was the first time Charlie had ever seen Dennis cry. Dennis slept over that night, and even though Charlie didn’t like to touch people too often, he held Dennis all night long.

The next morning, Dennis was gone. They never talked about it again. But it became a routine.

Not everyday routine like eating cat food or huffing glue, but an as needed routine like brushing your teeth with real toothpaste. Dennis was always the one to initiate, but sometimes Charlie needed it just as badly. Sometimes, they would just talk and cry and hold each other. Sometimes they would get drunk or high so much so that they didn’t know what was originally upsetting them. Sometimes they both were upset, sometimes it was only one of them. It just depended on the day.

They understood each other more than anybody else knew. They shared a lot of the same shitty feelings that they pushed down in their daily lives. Dennis did so by being shitty to people, Charlie put himself in a perpetual, delusional stupor. On their secret nights, though, they didn’t have to push things down. They were allowed to actually feel their feelings.

They never talked about it outside of these nights, though. When the night was over, it was over. Charlie never told a soul. He was almost certain Dennis didn’t either.

He walked quickly to Mac and Dennis’ apartment. He didn’t have to go inside. Dennis was sitting outside on the front steps. Cigarette in one hand, bottle covered by a paper bag between his legs. He tried to remember the last time he’d seen Dennis smoke a cigarette before tonight, it had been a while. Dennis must be feeling really shitty.

“Hey man,” Charlie said, flopping down on the step next to Dennis.

“Ay Charlie,” Dennis said with way too much cheer in his voice. “You got here quick.”

“Yeah, it’s cold out, walked fast.”

Charlie shrugged and reached between Dennis’ knees to grab the bottle, taking a swig without asking what it was. It was harsh, tasted like a cheap vodka. He shook his head a little at the taste before swallowing down another swig. He placed it on the pavement between the two of them.

“So what’s up, dude?” Charlie asked when Dennis didn’t fill the silence between them.

“Nothin’ man, we haven’t hung out a lot since I got back, I’ve been missin’ my pal,” Dennis said, he took a swig from the bottle between them after speaking. He put it down with a jolly laugh.

“Missed you too, Dennis,” Charlie mumbled quietly. He wasn’t drunk or high enough yet, he was nervous. Dennis didn’t call him over just to hang out. He didn’t call him for a good time. The nights that Dennis called, Dennis was a broken man. He usually didn’t even try to put up a front like he was tonight. This made Charlie on edge. 

“Yeah man,” Dennis said, putting his arm around Charlie’s shoulder, pulling Charlie close to him, the brown bagged bottle wedged between their thighs. “How you been?”

“I been good man, you know, good, I’m with the waitress, so…” Charlie’s voice trailed off before he added, “You know, like, life’s never been better, I guess.”

“It’s hard when you have a dream, a vision, and it doesn’t work out the way you think it will, huh?” Dennis asked, his voice somber.

“Is that what being a dad was like for you?” Charlie asked quietly.

“Yeah, yeah it was. Is that what trying to become a dad is like for you?”

Charlie nodded.

“I’m sorry,” Dennis whispered. He kissed the top of Charlie’s head before resting his face in Charlie’s messy hair. 

“Me too,” Charlie whispered. He closed his eyes and took a slow, deep breath in and then released just as slowly and deeply. He wanted to stay calm for Dennis because Dennis had probably called him for a reason. When he opened his eyes again, he tugged away, “You done your cigarette, man? Can we go inside? It’s cold.”

“Yeah buddy,” Dennis said, sighing as he straightened up as he stood up. He held the bottle and flicked the cigarette onto the pavement. He held his hand out for Charlie to help him stand up.

They walked into the building, climbing up the stairs until they got to Mac and Dennis’ floor. They were very quiet, not wanting to wake Mac, as they walked into Dennis’ room. They both shed their shoes and jackets quickly and climbed into bed without a word.

“Is this why you keep wanting us to ask you about North Dakota?” Charlie asked once they were both in the bed, not quite settled yet. “Are you sad about whatever went down?”

“Of course I am,” Dennis mumbled. Charlie was sitting up against the headboard. Dennis let his head fall on Charlie’s chest, putting himself in more of a lying position. He put his arm over Charlie’s wasit. “I didn’t want to be an asshole dad who isn’t around. I wanted to be a good dad.”

“So why’d you come back?” Charlie asked as he draped his arm over Dennis’ shoulders, hand gently tracing patterns against Dennis’ t-shirt.

“I’m more of an asshole dad when I am around, it seems.”

“I’m sorry.”

Maybe a better friend would have lied and said they didn’t think that was true, or would have said Dennis has a lot of reasons to act out in the way that he does, or would have asked Dennis to explain more. Charlie didn’t, though. He just said the truth, he  _ was  _ sorry. It sucked. Nothing more, nothing less.

“Me too,” Dennis whispered after a moment of silence, his voice cracking ever-so-slightly. “I can’t do anything right, dude. I thought I finally had something. Something that would change things. That would give me purpose. That could make me better. It just made me worse.”

“I know, man, I know,” Charlie whispered, gently rubbing up and down Dennis’ arm. He could tell Dennis was starting to cry a little bit. 

He placed a small kiss on the top of Dennis’ head. Charlie didn’t usually like touching, but with Dennis it was different. The rest of the gang probably thought Dennis was the least safe of them all, but Charlie thought Dennis was safe. And Dennis actively tried his best to make Charlie feel safe most of the time. 

“I’m such a fuck up. I can’t stop fucking up. I’ll never be good enough.”

“You don’t have to be good enough for shit,” Charlie mumbled. “You’re just you, you know? You don’t gotta be anything else, you don’t gotta be better. Just gotta be you.”

Dennis shook his head and wiped his tears against Charlie’s shirt. Charlie closed his eyes and nuzzled down against Dennis’ hair, which was soft and smelled faintly of fruit. 

“You’re okay, man. I promise, you’re enough, you’re okay,” Charlie whispered. He kept whispering just nice and sweet phrases against Dennis’ hair. He wondered a little bit if his words went in through Dennis’ ears or directly through the top of his head. He made not to ask about that later. For now, he just kept whispering and kissing the top of Dennis’ head.

Eventually, Dennis fell asleep. He was drunk and emotional. Sleep was the next logical step. Charlie slipped out of bed to polish off the bottle and enjoy some of the nail polish remover Dennis had under the cabinet in the bathroom. When he was through, he climbed back into bed and pulled Dennis close to him again.

He’d have to wake up really early in the morning to sneak out of the apartment. That was fine, he could do that. For now, he just wanted to be with Dennis. Where there were no expectations or frustrations or futures or facades. Where there was just him and Dennis and tonight. Nothing more, nothing less.


End file.
